Quick Reference
Key Concepts at a Glance
The Four Horsemen (Gottman)
| Horseman | What It Looks Like | Antidote |
|---|---|---|
| Criticism | Attacking character | Use "I" statements, focus on behavior |
| Defensiveness | Refusing responsibility | Own your part, apologize |
| Contempt | Disrespect, mocking | Build culture of appreciation |
| Stonewalling | Shutting down | Take breaks, self-soothe, return |
Attachment Styles
| Style | Core Fear | Pattern | Growth Direction |
|---|---|---|---|
| Secure | None dominant | Balanced closeness and independence | Maintain |
| Anxious | Abandonment | Seeks reassurance, clingy | Self-soothe, build security within |
| Avoidant | Engulfment | Keeps distance, withdraws | Tolerate closeness, vulnerability |
| Disorganized | Both | Push-pull, inconsistent | Therapy, healing |
Love Languages
| Language | Expressed As | Speak It By |
|---|---|---|
| Words of Affirmation | Verbal appreciation | Compliments, encouragement |
| Acts of Service | Doing helpful things | Actions, tasks |
| Receiving Gifts | Thoughtful presents | Meaningful tokens |
| Quality Time | Focused attention | Undistracted presence |
| Physical Touch | Affection | Holding, hugging, touch |
"I" Statement Formula
Structure: "I feel [emotion] when [specific behavior] because [impact]."
Example: "I feel frustrated when plans change at the last minute because I've already arranged my schedule."
Boundary Communication Formula
- State the behavior
- State its impact
- State what you need
- State consequence
Example: "When you make comments about my weight (behavior), it hurts me (impact). I need you to stop commenting on my body (need). If it continues, I'll need to limit our time together (consequence)."
Conflict De-escalation Checklist
- Take deep breaths
- Lower your voice
- Unclench your body
- Ask for a break if needed
- Name what's happening
- Use soft startup when returning
- Seek to understand first
- Find any point of agreement
- Make repair attempts
Trust Building: BRAVING
B — Boundaries: Respecting limits R — Reliability: Doing what you say A — Accountability: Owning mistakes V — Vault: Keeping confidences I — Integrity: Acting on values N — Non-judgment: Safe to ask for help G — Generosity: Assuming best intentions
Repair Conversation Structure
- Acknowledge what happened
- Take your responsibility
- Express remorse
- Commit to change
- Ask what they need
- Follow through
Ending a Relationship: Guidelines
- Be direct and clear
- Be kind but firm
- Choose appropriate setting
- Keep explanations brief
- Don't offer false hope
- Allow dignity for both
Emergency Resources
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
Signs You Need Professional Help
- Patterns keep repeating despite efforts
- Abuse of any kind
- Severe communication breakdown
- Mental health impact
- Addiction involvement
- Trauma needing processing
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